I was musing over this over the last few days, and I have come to the conclusion that this question in itself was contributing to my Post Partum Depression.
When I was pregnant, I made the mistake of “planning” what my life was going to be like Post-Kai. As he is my first child, this was probably a really silly thing to do and it’s only just taking this long to figure it out!
I thought that life would be pretty much the same as before, except I would have a lovely baby bundle to look after at the same time!
So, I was wrong. Life is nothing like it was before. Sometimes in good ways and sometimes in ways that throw me for a few days until I come to terms with it.
I suffer with social anxiety. This is my main problem, and the Post Partum Depression enhances this on the days that I don’t quite have it under control.
On a bad day, I don’t want to leave the house. I will have full blown arguments with my husband if he tries to make me leave (even to go to the shops). Luckily for me, he doesn’t stand for it at all and we always end up going out somewhere, even if it’s just a drive so I haven’t got to get out of the car. I think if he wasn’t here, I would probably develop full blown Agoraphobia.
As an example, last weekend I agreed to go to the Christmas market in Nottingham. It took me two days to work myself up to going. When I was there, Kai cried because he was tired (and doesn’t like sleeping in his pram). I had a full blown meltdown in Nottingham. I begged and pleaded to go home. I said I was never going out ever again. I shouted at Stu and at one point even ran off from him through the city centre trying to find a way to get home. (Didn’t get very far as my purse was on the back of the pram). All through this Kai fell asleep. Stu made me promise to at least look around the twenty stalls that were there, then he would take me home. I agreed and by the time I got to the end, it had passed and I was fine again. We had a lovely look around and then went to the farm shop afterwards to get shopping for the week.
I am virtually unable to leave the house unless I have someone to tell me to do it, so seeing my old friends is very hard. I just can’t make that contact. So, needless to say, as people have their own lives it is very much like “out of sight, out of mind”. I was upset about this for a while, but i’ve now reached acceptance of it.
But, to balance all of this out… I have my son. I look at him sleeping while I write this, and can’t help but smile at him. I love him so much. When he is poorly and wants a cuddle, it makes me heart melt. When he smiles at me, I go all gooey inside. I may be lonely sometimes and jealous of other people that can just get up and do things so easily, but he is worth it.
I wasn’t going to post this, but it IS a part of my life. Hard as it may be to accept that’s what this blog is about. When Kai grows up, I want him to know exactly how much I love him (which is very very very much) and why sometimes Mummy acts like a strange weird crazy lady!
So, this post is a thank you to my wonderful husband who kicks me out of my funk on a daily basis, and takes me as I am with a smile on his face. Every day he tells me that I mean everything to him and that he is so glad he married me. Long may it continue as I feel the exact same way.